I surrender all

Today is my birthday. I turn 42. And I am so grateful for this opportunity to spend another year with  my family. Because I came very close, too close, to never celebrating another year of life, a life that although is hard, is also so very good.

i surrender all

I have been wrestling with God a lot lately. Wrestling over surrendering all to him. I want to take over, take charge, tell Him what to do. Most recently I have been pleading with God to save my life. Not for myself necessarily; I would be okay to fall asleep in Jesus. But for my family, my kids, my husband. They have all been through so much. The last few weeks have been so difficult on all of us. In three weeks, I have survived a sub-massive pulmonary embolism, a cerebral hemorrhage, and the restarting of blood thinners just days after my hemorrhage to save my leg from a deep vein thrombosis that extends from my calf to my hip. Every trip to the emergency department has been life-threatening; full of stress and fear and uncertainty. And I’m so tired. Exhausted really. The time between each event never allowed for time to grieve, time to wrap my head around everything that happened. Instead, we’ve slapped smiles on our faces, been thankful for God’s mercies and miracles, and plowed ahead.

i surrender all

i surrender all

i surrender all

But now, in this time of quiet healing, the reality of what could have been settles upon me, over me, and through me, and there are moments where I cry and I just can’t stop. I feel like I can’t take anymore. I’m vulnerable and ready to give up and surrender the fight. Life is hard; there is so much hurt and so much pain. It’s not just the fear of the cancer returning or the pain in my leg or wondering if life will ever be “normal” again. It’s also still the pain of missing my brother with every breath. And in these moments, the hole in my heart that he left when he took his life swells. My husband sits next to me, holds me, and lets me cry and cry and cry. I’m afraid that I’ll never be able to stop, but eventually the tears dry up, my smile returns and I begin to count my joys again. But what do I do with this wrestling? How do I let go?

i surrender all by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

How does a mother of four small children be okay if God decides that it’s time her story ends?

I surrender all by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

The only way I know how to do this is in a daily surrendering. And I realize that I can and will never give up, never give in to the sadness, never stop fighting this cancer and all that it brings, never surrender to Satan. And the only way I can do this, the only way, is to surrender everything, surrender all to Jesus, and to trust Him, to trust in His promises. And for now, I am clinging to the promise in Jeremiah 11:29, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I want a future Lord. A future with my family. Please, please don’t leave me without Your blessing of health. Please allow me this future… if it is Your will…

I surrender all by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

I surrender all by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

I surrender all by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

Unfortunately this letting go of control, this surrendering, is not something that is done once. It is something I must be intentional about doing daily. And the only way to surrender is to walk closely with Jesus, everyday spending time with Him. Mold my wants, my wills, my desires, to become more like Him.

During these moments when the reality that I might not be sitting here now come, I will allow myself to cry, but I will also claim His promises and sing…

All to Jesus I surrender,
All to Him I freely give;
I will ever love and trust Him,
In His presence daily live. I surrender all,
I surrender all.
All to Thee, my blessed Savior,
I surrender all.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Humbly at His feet I bow,
Worldly pleasures all forsaken;
Take me, Jesus, take me now.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;
Let me feel Thy Holy Spirit,
Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Lord, I give myself to Thee;
Fill me with Thy love and power,
Let Thy blessing fall on me.

All to Jesus I surrender,
Now I feel the sacred flame.
Oh, the joy of full salvation!
Glory, glory to His name!

Judson W. Van DeVenter

I surrender all by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

And with this gift of another year,  I vow to kiss longer, love deeper, and hold tighter to the ones I love. And spend more time with my God. Because “God is good all the time, and all the time, God is good”.

7 thoughts on “I surrender all

  1. In preparing to teach Primary Sabbath school class this weekend, I’m presented with the most amazing Bible verses. I tend to worry so much, to grasp for control, to doubt, to push ahead, to get angry at perceived unfairness, and to wonder just what the plan is anyway! I’m so blessed to have a loving Father who keeps reminding I just need to keep asking, searching – and I will receive. So I’m continuing to ask for faith, for focus to seek God’s Kingdom, and to recognize the good gifts I’ve already been given. I worry so much for you, but I’m going to put these verses out there and turn it into prayerful seeking! Your story is powerful in it’s seeking, asking and hoping in faith!

    Matthew 7:7-11International Children’s Bible (ICB)

    Ask God for What You Need
    7 “Continue to ask, and God will give to you. Continue to search, and you will find. Continue to knock, and the door will open for you. 8 Yes, everyone who continues asking will receive. He who continues searching will find. And he who continues knocking will have the door opened for him.

    9 “What would you do if your son asks for bread? Which of you would give him a stone? 10 Or if your son asks for a fish, would you give him a snake? 11 Even though you are bad, you know how to give good gifts to your children. So surely your heavenly Father will give good things to those who ask him.

    As a parent, I connect with this so much!!!

    Much love to you on your birthday! Thank you for the gift of sharing this walk with us!!!

    Love from your birthday twin!!!

  2. Happy Birthday Heidi! Hoping and praying that this will all soon only be a memory as you move into this next year of life.

  3. Amazing. I don’t consider myself a Christian because of many reasons and I think you’re either crazy in believing that some supernatural intity is watching over you, or you have seen and/or felt something that I’m waiting everyday of my life for. I’d love to also read about this aspect of your life seeing that you have been through literal hell. I’m very open minded and also very, terribly sorry you have been through all this! I hope you make a quick and full recovery.

  4. I am so touched by your story. Deeply. I’ve dealt him with health issues for the past two years and the roller coaster in the waiting is so hard! My fears of “what if” try to take over, but God has used it to deepen my reliance and trust in Him. He has taught me to trust He is guiding my steps and have joy in the circumstances. Being a mom of small kids is the hardest mental part! I know I’ve struggled with thoughts and frustrations with God as to why he won’t heal me so I can care best for my husband and kids! This is probably the worst part of the suffering. Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your wrestling. To see it fleshed out with calm reassurance that in spite of our circumstances you will praise Him and seek to let this work be done in your life according to His will has reminded me to seek Him even harder and to rest in His great love knowing that my worry accomplishes nothing and that He has a plan for my suffering whether I see the film picture or not. Praise be to the God who holds my life in the palm of His hand who binds our hearts to His through our trials. I pray for ultimate healing for both of us, but that more than anything our suffering will produce a ripe harvest to bring others into a relationship with Him. To God be the glory!!!!

  5. Beautiful testimony Heidi, may you continue to live in God’s presence and glory. God has a BIG plan for your life.
    Love from Mari Ann

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