but God…

This week was hard. We were informed on Tuesday that I have cancer. While there is heart disease on both sides of my family history, there is no cancer and I meet absolutely none of the risk factors. So this came as quite a shock. But with the shock, also came this feeling of peace; a peace that only God can bring. Peace, knowing that I don’t walk this road alone.

but God... by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com


but God... by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

But Tuesday night was hard. The only person that I know who had colon cancer was young and healthy and died within three months of diagnosis. All night my mind was pulled to dark places, thoughts that this was the last summer I would have with my children; that another woman would one day be lying beside my husband, in his arms, and raising my children. And while this is what I would desperately want for them if I was to fall asleep in Jesus… it broke my heart. I stared death in the face that night and then remembered that I am not alone; that I have a God who is bigger than death, a God who brings hope. All night was this push and this pull, this back and forth between fear and peace. I found when I took my eyes off of Christ and put them on my children, the fear, the doubts, the sadness would overwhelm. But if I could keep my eyes on Christ, there was peace and there was hope.

but God... by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

but God... by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

but God... by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

but God... by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com


I called a friend the next morning and she said these words to me, “but God…” Yes, bad things happen, life can be hard… but God can do all things. He is powerful enough to raise the dead, powerful enough to defeat Satan. So whatever is going on in your life remember this… but God… The “but God…” brings hope. The “but God…” changes everything.

And yesterday, as the cancer was confirmed, came this intense desire to fight, to do what I could to stay alive and be here for my children. A friend told me, God put this in us as mothers, this will to fight and do anything for our children. He wants us to fight. So I will fight the chemo, I will fight the radiation, I will fight the cancer and whatever else this disease will bring me, and I will do it WITH my God. And in those moments, when sickness or life will overwhelm, He will fight for me. “The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace” (Exodus 14:14). I know that “A God of angel armies is always by my side…” (Chris Tomlin). I am not alone in this fight. I am not a strong person, BUT I have a strong God.

but God... by Kinderfarmhomeschool.com

If you are a mama who is hurting today, remember this,but God…” He is Comforter, Beginning and the End, He is Lord of the Impossible.

18 thoughts on “but God…

  1. My birthday twin, you are an inspiration to me in your writing, your mothering, your “sistering”, and your walk with our all powerful God. I’m praying with all my might that God’s strength, healing and peace carry you through the stormiest of days and nights, as He already has. I’m screaming NOOOO!!! But God knows….You are so right. We don’t want any of this, but God has you. Your earthly family has you too! Please let us know, because we want to fight with you and for you! We LOVE you!
    All My Prayers,

  2. Heidi,
    I’m so sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I’m sorry that you and your family have to go through this. I’m blessed by your authenticity and truthfulness in sharing your journey of faith and fear. I love what you have shared, “…but God.” It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite authors Dallas Willard when he said, “when I am faced with the presence of evil and suffering in human life, my own or at large I realize that I will either allow my view of evil to determine my view of God and will cut him down accordingly, or I will allow my view of God to determine my view of the evil and will elevate him accordingly, accepting that nothing is beyond his power for good.” Heidi, you and your family are in my constant prayers. Please also know that many others including myself from Calimesa SDA are here for you and your family in any way you need for support and to lighten the load as much as possible. The grace, peace, and healing of our Lord Jesus be with you.

    1. I love the quote. Absolutely powerful and so very true. Thank you for sharing this and for your prayers.

  3. Heidi, what bravery God has given to you to share your journey with us. I have been ever blessed by your authenticity and honesty. Every now and again you meet someone who gives a glimpse of what a Spirit-filled life looks like. You have allowed Jesus’ light to shine through your pain. Pain most of us have never had to endure–but your life and words have been a shining example of what God can do in the darkest moments and maybe, because of them. Praying!!

  4. Oh, my fellow mama. My heart goes out to you. My eyes cannot help but shed tears, both of hope and sorrow.

    Please know your family will be in our prayers; that His will be done. That the Lord would continue to remind you of His love and provision. May He bring you peace.

  5. Sweet Heidi, our hearts cry out at this injustice! And our hearts will fight with you. You have a mighty work to do and cannot come down – just like Nehemiah. We are here to help keep you focused on your mighty work, so use us in your battle. No job is too small or too dirty, so don’t wait to ask for help. You are loved.

  6. Oh Heidi,

    I’m so saddened to hear your devastating news. Your grace and peace is to be commended. I know you and God have a good thing going. The quote Pastor Jon shared with you is so real. You are wise to share. Your church family and friends are here to love and support you and your family along this journey. Your beautiful family will be in our prayers. A

  7. Tears are rolling down my face as I read your vulnerable words and look and these beautiful pictures Heidi! Your faith is inspiring and allowing me to read the words of your heart brings me to my knees in prayer for you and you beautiful family! I am so thankful that our great and mighty God, our Abba Father, our Maker of the universe, our Saviour of our souls and our Conquerer over disease, sadness, fear, death and most definitely CANCER has got you in His loving hands!! With God you WILL FIGHT THIS AND BEAT this because our Father is faithful and He keeps His promises! He will carry you through to the finish line when the doctor tells you “Heidi, the cancer is GONE you are CURED!!” Until I hear those words I promise you I will not stop praying for you! You are loved tremendously and you are a cherished child of God!
    Love, Kim

  8. Beautiful Heidi, I read your news on Instagram this morning, and you haven’t left my mind today. My heart breaks for you, and I’m weeping as I type right now. Thank you for allowing us (your readers/followers) to fight for you on our knees; I know that I speak for so many when I claim “but God …” alongside you!

  9. Oh my darling, precious, sweet, kind, thoughtful, giving, loving, centered, Christ-like friend…I, too, am devastated and shocked by your news. I am saddened, too, that my friend who has already endured so much loss, is now faced with another layer of grief. I have been inspired by you since I first met you 7 years ago, and today is no exception. You are facing this with Godly grace that amazes me. Thank you for being so authentic here, so willing to share this piece of yourself, and to open yourself up to those around you. That alone takes great strength. Perhaps you don’t see it that way, but I assure you that you are quite possibly far stronger than you think. Your life is beautiful, and it is with humble appreciation that I have had such a real glimpse into your home life and home-school life. It is because of you that I have the inspiration and joy in our plan to pull our children into the unschooling realm you have so exemplified. I have grown so much and learned so much from my brief and few interactions with you though we hardly meet or speak. You are a great wife, mother, sister, sister in Christ, teacher, and friend. You will not be alone in this battle. Psalm 91 comes to mind yet again. Our Mighty Fortress, our Shield and Buckler, our Rock of Ages says this is NOT the final page. I know there are agonizing moments ahead, but I pray for continued moments of Peace. I am also comforted by the quote, “Don’t tell your God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is.” He will carry you, no matter where the destination.

    I love you, friend!

  10. Jeremiah 29:11…”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future….”

    I’m so sorry to hear this, and still I believe that God can only plan a bright future for you and your family. I’m praying now, and will continue to pray, that He overwhelms you with continuous reminders of how He plans to prosper you.

    Lifting you up in prayer from afar.

  11. Just witnessed a miracle this week-end in a friend. Praying for you too. May the God of peace give you strength, courage and hope. Hold fast, yet let God’s imminent peace flood your soul. Many prayers!

  12. Thank you for being vulnerable with us! I must say I read this twice to make sure I understood what a set back you and your family have. I will be lifting you up in prayer.

  13. Sweet Heidi.
    We are lifting you up in prayer daily and we know that your positive attitude and faith in God will serve you well as you begin the journey down this road. We are so very sorry that you have this obstacle to face but God is bigger! We long for heaven and the time that all bodies will be whole and no sufferring will mingle. You have a beautiful heart and we know God has you in his hands! Hugs from all the Jacabans and please let us know how to support you!

  14. Heidi,

    Our prayers will be with you and your family. I love the idea of fighting like a mother…. My mom had cancer when I was a young teenager and I remember her struggle and her pain but most of all her strength. She fought and won & during it all, she was my mom. Later in life I look back on that time and realize the depth of her love, courage and grace. Your children will one day do the same and they will see your love for them and your faith in God.

    May God’s peace continue to surround you & comfort you and strengthen you through this fight.

  15. Heidi and Joey,
    In the weeks since we heard about your cancer, we have prayed for you every day……some days several times. Our prayer has been for you to have peace, understanding, comfort and strength……as well as healing. We know the God we serve loves you more than we can imagine.
    I have loved your home school blog from the first time I saw it! I love how you write, how you teach your children encompassing all parts of life. How you bring God into ordinary activities…..and nature….and fun…..learning in it’s purest form. Thank you for sharing your gifts….and your cancer. There are so many who love you and want to be a part of your journey. I can’t tell you how happy I was when I heard you were going on your family camping trip?
    May God continue to bless you and your precious family. Sending you love, prayers and peace.

Comments are closed.