This week was hard. We were informed on Tuesday that I have cancer. While there is heart disease on both sides of my family history, there is no cancer and I meet absolutely none of the risk factors. So this came as quite a shock. But with the shock, also came this feeling of peace; a peace that only God can bring. Peace, knowing that I don’t walk this road alone.
But Tuesday night was hard. The only person that I know who had colon cancer was young and healthy and died within three months of diagnosis. All night my mind was pulled to dark places, thoughts that this was the last summer I would have with my children; that another woman would one day be lying beside my husband, in his arms, and raising my children. And while this is what I would desperately want for them if I was to fall asleep in Jesus… it broke my heart. I stared death in the face that night and then remembered that I am not alone; that I have a God who is bigger than death, a God who brings hope. All night was this push and this pull, this back and forth between fear and peace. I found when I took my eyes off of Christ and put them on my children, the fear, the doubts, the sadness would overwhelm. But if I could keep my eyes on Christ, there was peace and there was hope.
I called a friend the next morning and she said these words to me, “but God…” Yes, bad things happen, life can be hard… but God can do all things. He is powerful enough to raise the dead, powerful enough to defeat Satan. So whatever is going on in your life remember this… but God… The “but God…” brings hope. The “but God…” changes everything.
And yesterday, as the cancer was confirmed, came this intense desire to fight, to do what I could to stay alive and be here for my children. A friend told me, God put this in us as mothers, this will to fight and do anything for our children. He wants us to fight. So I will fight the chemo, I will fight the radiation, I will fight the cancer and whatever else this disease will bring me, and I will do it WITH my God. And in those moments, when sickness or life will overwhelm, He will fight for me. “The LORD shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace” (Exodus 14:14). I know that “A God of angel armies is always by my side…” (Chris Tomlin). I am not alone in this fight. I am not a strong person, BUT I have a strong God.
If you are a mama who is hurting today, remember this, “but God…” He is Comforter, Beginning and the End, He is Lord of the Impossible.